number 28 and 29 directly following
I set the number down on the table and look at you in silence
you’re probably preoccupied in your own head
or i’m over thinking
I twirl my hair as I glance down at 28
it haunts me
you stare blankly at me
talking
spewing words like bullets yet i’m filled with a filter of white noise
you must think i’m crazy.
today marks our 6 month anniversary
you took me to our favorite dinner
the diner where we met
just 8 months ago we were sitting two rows down in the booth with the lose seat
laughing
longing
you smiled at me in a way i’ve never been smiled at
yet here we sit
8 months later
6 months in
and I cant accept a simple good thing in my life
28 laughs at me.
when our food comes out and they take away the numbers you ask me again
“why didn’t you let me pay for you?”
I wish I was honest
I want to vomit all the reasons that i don’t deserve simple kind things in life
I cheated on a spelling test in first grade
in fourth grade i had a tantrum at school and hid in the hallways
I lie about little things to not make people upset
I feel like i’ve ruined people’s lives
I paid someone to do an assignment for me in school
I blame myself for so many instances of foul play in my life
I’ve been diagnosed with so many things yet I still feel broken
I’ve been in therapy since I was four years old
and hell I let my twin die in the womb
so i bundle up these reasons and muster up a laugh for you.
I giggle lightly and respond with the same remark
“why didn’t you let me pay for you?”
you smile and we eat
ignoring the feasible deniability of loving gestures
I hope I can accept them one day
but until then
separate checks please.
-I wrote this poem exactly one month before getting into my now almost year long relationship. I find it funny that when I challenge my fears, like commitment, how fast life is to challenge me right back. I am 11 months in and I’ve never been happier to pay for someone else’s meal:)
Sadie's Solace Inked 